Monday, March 12, 2018

It would be easier...

Sometimes I wish I didn't have a back bone.  That I could turn and look away when someone crossed a widely recognized line. That I could allow someone to turn a black and white scenario into a gray one for their own benefit.  I feel like it would be easier.  Easier than always being the one that holds people accountable.  Easier than being seen as the instigator of so much conflict when, in reality, I haven't instigated anything, I just won't look away from it like so many other people. 

I know there is a huge population of people that wish they had the confidence to speak up. They constantly struggle with their own self-worth and being treated the way they deserve. I've heard them openly want, desperately, to have the strength to remove toxic people from their life.  But sometimes, I feel like living the way they do would be easier. I've lost 4 friends in as many years because I've held them accountable to their actions. I will not allow them to treat me like I'm something lesser. They don't get to use me, they don't get to lower my worth. But somehow, I'm in the wrong and I not only lose that person, but those around me shoot looks of pity their way and looks of shock at me for actually standing up and saying out loud "No. That's not ok." On no less than 3 occasions I have been personally attacked for holding co-workers accountable for their physical and verbal harassment. They are penalized and despite numerous other people breathing a sigh of relief, I am blamed. I am blamed because I am the only one that would speak up.  Everyone else would give canned responses like "I don't want to rock the boat" or "I shouldn't have to say anything" or "It would be too uncomfortable if he got in trouble". Do you think it's comfortable for me?! Do you think I enjoy having that person's friends give me dirty looks and say things they think I can't hear? Holding people to their actions is inherently uncomfortable. It's confrontational and awkward and it sucks. But it's the right thing to do. And as a thousand different philosophers will tell you, the right thing isn't always the easy thing. In fact, it hardly ever is.

As a side effect, I've found over the years that I have a growing resentment to the "coat-tailers" of this world.  Those that will sit and marinate in their discomfort and unhappiness until someone else comes along to clear the path. Then they happily jump on the coat tails and breath a sigh of relief that they didn't have to actually deal with their life, someone else will do it for them. Not willing to see that the person that cleared that path not only had the strength to stand up and carry their own weight, they ended up carrying everyone else's too. As uncomfortable as it would be to sit and be unhappy, waiting for someone else to come fix my problem for me, it would sure as hell be easier. I find myself in a constant state of reinforcing my expectations for follow through and ownership. It's exhausting and I'm absolutely over defending my basic moral compass to those that have the same one but are too lazy or weak to enforce it. For heaven's sake, stand up and help yourself. So with that in mind I offer the following:

To the friends that only value what I can bring instead of valuing me - that approach will only leave you alone in an empty house.

To the friends that resent me for holding you to your word - look in a mirror long and hard and think about if it's really me you resent.

To the friends that contemptuously cut me out for pointing out your gross negligence of basic ethics - when you choose to violate basic humanities and be angry at those who say something, you will spend most of your life in a hateful space. Think about if that's the house you want to live in.

To the friends that smile to my face and whisper to my back - if you are whispering to someone that thinks that behaviour is ok, don't be surprised when you learn they are doing the same to you.

To the friends that play the wounded puppy when I follow through on my word - if follow through is truly that jarring to you, this world is going to hurt you. Toughen up or tap out.

To the friends that hid their motives in a web of dishonesty - when you get tangled in the very web you weaved, don't expect those you targeted to come to your rescue.

To the friends that held me to my word, that lost sleep thinking about how to confront something/someone and actually did it, that put one foot in front of the other and walked their way out of something uncomfortable - thank you.